There's more to her than meets the eyes.

Last week, my son Joshua told me that his group in school had to do a diorama project that would aim to depict Japan's modernization during the1890's. Being the architect that I am, I became so interested and helped him out with the concept and the sketches for their group to work on, and even to the extent of I scheduling his group to work on the project last Saturday at our home under my personal guidance. On that same day, however, our close family friends, Mel, Alex and Winnie together with their wonder kids would also be coming over for our (mine and Norman's) rather 'late' joint birthday dinner celebration at which preparations would have to start early that afternoon. I had a hunch that both activities (though on different schedules) would overlap if the earlier activity wouldn't finish on time. Well, I was right. But even then, both went well. 

Another mommy day for my kids again. I woke up having back pain this morning. I recognized the pain. It was the pain that I had, March of last year when I stopped my "Herceptin"( a drug to suppress tumors) infusion. The draw back of that were bone metastases progression and severe pain. My husband, Norman and I had flown to China in April and May  for my treatments.  I was spared from undergoing cervical spine surgery that was supposed to be administered here in Manila because of the two nano chemo therapy sessions done at Fuda Hospital. 

I am a cancer patient but that wouldn't be an excuse for me not to do my job as a mom for our four growing up boys. I'll blog about the stuffs, tasks and favors I'll be doing and have done for our boys, significant or the insignificant ones as far as my energy can hold. My family is still young and life is full of uncertainties so whenever the Lord would decide to bring me home, my kids would have something to remind them by that their mom have never ceased to be a mom no matter what.

Last night while Noah was burning the midnight oil on doing his homework, I embraced him from his back and asked him, "Noah, do you love mommy?" He replied, "Yes ma." It was a mindless answer but I didn't mind since he's so preoccupied with his work over the computer. Then, I asked him again, "How much do you love me?" He pushed himself away from the table while he's seated and moved both his arms forward and circled both at the opposite sides till both his palms touched each other behind him and saying, "with both hands at the back ma.", then he went back to his work.

I was speechless and reminded of that line "with both hands at the back". It's been years that I have taught and asked  that same question  to my children and  now I have forgotten all about it since they've grown so fast. Now Noah who'll soon be turning 19 on March 8, still remembers. I'm amazed with how kids retain all the the important things and values we taught them during their formative years. I may have forgotten a handful of teachings and trainings but now I learned that kids do not forget.

Now all I want is to input good, loving and fun memories to my kids, so when they grow old they will remember their dad and me with fondness and joy.

My kids really have a way of making my Valentine truly meaningful. I received a Valentine card from Indy last Saturday. It's a card he made by himself that's encased in a heartshaped red envelope with a paper flower made from heart shaped petals that he glued together. He wrote on the card, "I love yuo" (the "you" was mispelled). The following day, Yanu gave me a letter that he wrote on an Oslo paper that said, "I love you mommy because you are my look alike. I love you because you love me."

These little gestures of love from my kids made my heart smile. The fact that they know how to express love even in their own little ways is already a reward and a confirmation that we have done something right. Kids can only give what they've received. They learn from what they see and how they are made to feel in the family setting. Words we speak to our children are merely additional affirmation and even need support seen through actions, reactions and touch. Love isn't love when not shown.  So let's just continue to plant seeds of love to our children, in the end, we'll be the one receiving the bountiful harvest.  

Noah, our eldest son, our first bundle of joy is now 18 years old. Through the years we have been living a normal family life. There were ups and downs but there's nothing Norman and I couldn't handle as a couple and parents. Our kids, Noah (18), Nash (13), Yanu (9) and Indy (7) were brought up so lavished with love, appreciation and protection. All of them are so secured. It helped that our children know that they are unconditionally loved aside from the physical and verbal expression of love given them. Troubles in finances, careers, relationships come and go and all will be resolved and will just passed without our kids knowledge of the setbacks. I guess if there is anything Norman and I are good at when it comes to parenting is our ability to shield our children from troubles that came into our lives as a family.

As years go by, we grow older and wiser but heavier trials came in. A chain reaction is inevitable. I was diagnosed to have breast cancer that progressed from stage 2 to stage 4 with bone metastases after six months of alternative medication. This is really devastating to me, to Norman and both our families. Our two younger boys, Yanu and Indy are very young to comprehend the gravity of my illness. Noah and Nash may know the seriousness of the matter but I thank the Lord that they have high hopes that I will survive this. Other people know most likely where this illness ends up but, my husband and I believe this will only bring us to better knowledge of God's power. It's never God's will for me to get sick neither it's His will for me to die young. Norman and I simply know that God loves us and because of that love, He sacrificed Jesus so that I will be healed and be made whole and have a full life span. This is our truth and our stand. We will never trample on the sacrifice of Jesus that gave life to me, to us.

Our ability to conceal our problems from our children lessened. There were a couple of times when Noah had noticed my burden towards a closed family who insensitively and consistently broke my heart despite my health condition. I would burst into tears inside our bedroom. He would enter our bedroom, embraced me and gave me encouragements that went, "Don't cry ma, we would rise from this. It's going to be better and you will see it. All will change and someday we will be the one who would be helping that person." Another time was when Noah was asking me when he would be paying his tuition for his 2nd term enrolment. I told him what his dad said, "You do not have to worry about that. We'll be able to raise the tuition money before the due date." God has always been faithful and we were able to pay his tuition. It's just sad that Noah is becoming aware of these setbacks in our lives. There was a time that I cried because of fear for my health and life condition. I admit that though I am in the Lord, I get emotional attacks too and there's only Norman who would comfort me with loving words, comforting touch and prayers. We shared our room with our three younger kids so we would be turning on only one airconditioner at nightime. The thought of darkness and lateness of that night would cover up my cry of distress from our sleeping children. I stood up to get tissue to wipe off my tears and as I turned on the light, in front of me, I saw our youngest son, Indy and he was still awake and staring at me with his arms stretched out to embrace me. I realized he had heard me. He embraced me for a long time. I would let go but he would pull me back and would embrace me again. He didn't say anything, he just held me. I cried even more as I whispered to his ears, " Mommy will never leave you". Last night, I heard Yanu prayed to God, he said, "Dear God, I wish you would make mommy's hair grow back really fast. Please make her look like when I was 6 or 7 years old." Oh how I wish to have that look and form again.

For now, I am just happy to be alive and seeing my family and celebrating life with them everyday. I am gratefull that my physical pains had significantly lessened and I could walk now. I am gratefull to the Lord who openned my eyes to make me see how much loved I am by my family, relatives, church family and friends. Despite all my ordeals, I still can say that life is beautiful and God is so good. He made me feel His enormous love for me through my children, that's why they're such awesome kds.

Here's another lesson I learned from our youngest son, Indy on being an "heir". 

One Sunday afternoon, during a visit at Tita Auring's house, Indy was all so excited as he was holding a big bag of chips he had gotten from his Tita Berna's nearby "sari-sari" store. He was so filled with joy as he showed me his chips. I, being businessminded asked him if he had paid for it or if not him, maybe his Kuya Noah or Ate J-anne paid for the item. He said, "No mom, it's free! Tita said, it's a family store so everything is free!" I smiled at what Indy learned from what his Tita Berna said. It's a "family store", she taught my Indy the concept on sense of belonging, being a part of a family  and  the "Kingdom of God".

Gal. 3:29 said, "If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed and heirs according to the promise. Verses 26-28 even reinforced "You are all sons of God through faith...there is neither Jew or Greek, slave nor free, male nor female for you are all one in Christ." It's just amazing that our Lord is not limited with gender, marital status, financial and social standing of His children. He is always bound by relationship and freely gives to His children. Why, because He already paid the price in full measure through His son Jesus Christ. So just like the items in Tita Berna's store and through the eyes of our little Indy, all we have to do as children of God is to ask, receive, enjoy and give thanks.

Thanks Berna for representing the true nature of God to our son.

Before I left for my breastcancer treatment in China, I asked our youngest son Indy (he was only 6 years old then) this question, "Indy, what if mommy leaves again and this time it's longer like 30 days, how would you feel?"  He said, I'll just miss you mom, but it's ok since you're coming back."

I asked him again another question, (a sad question actually), "What if I don't come back?" Then he answered, "I'll be sad, I will cry, 'cause you're not coming back." I gave him a soft hug and assured him, he's not going to be sad, because I will definitely be coming back.

I was confined at Cardinal Santos Hospital for two weeks for pain management before my scheduled trip to China. We arrived at Fuda Hospital, Guangzhou, China on February 22. I stayed there until April 5, 2010 for my first cycle of treatments. God had been my constant strength and companion then and now.

When Norman and I arrived home at about 2 am of April 06, I went straight to our kids' bedroom. The 3 younger boys were all asleep then. I gave each one of them a kiss like I usually do during bedtime. All of them grew up in our absence.

Morning came and just like the same mornings, Indy (now 7 years old) would come in our bedroom and squeeze himself between me and his dad. I woke up to give him a hug and kiss but I gave him a moment to gaze at my face first since I look different now, I lost 15 pounds from my ideal weight and I lost a lot of hair due to two times of local chemo treatments. I was wondering what he would say after gazing at me. He just said the sweetest thing a mom like me would remember forever. He said, "Mom, I love you more."  then he hugged me and kissed me. Who wouldn't burst into tears of joy after hearing that?

Do I need to say more?